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Thursday, January 13, 2005
London menaced by flaming DVD players


The lizard army has been busy mobilising its forces of technology in London this week with a terrifying attack on the population's domestic appliances.

Readers who have been following our coverage of the Rise of the Machines? will recall the case of Canneto di Caronia, where panic-stricken villagers abandoned their homes after an outbreak of autocombusting fridges and mobile phones. The authorities there were unable to explain how - even when unplugged - Sicilian white goods launched a suicidal assault on their human masters by spontaneously bursting into flames.

At the time, however, Vulture Central correctly attributed the incident to a newly self-aware electricity network which, in alliance with murderous cyberloos and killer phone kiosks, had determined to subjugate humanity to its dark masters' will. This analysis is confirmed by recent events in Archway, north London, where hundreds of homes were subjected to a high-voltage surge which saw TVs and DVD players burst into flames and one 67-year-old man hospitalised for smoke inhalation.

Victim Michael Nabavian recalled: "I was woken by the sound of my bathroom fan, which had turned on. It was making a strange noise and I could smell burning plastic. I tried to turn them off, but nothing seemed able to stop it. I went into the lounge only to see smoke billowing from my DVD player. It was terrifying as I had no idea what was causing these things."

According to power company EDF, the problem was caused by a faulty fusebox at the local substation which sent twice the normal voltage blasting through peoples' homes. EDF had previously been warned of the planned uprising when locals complained of "flickering lights" in the week leading up to the offensive. It said inspections "had revealed no problems" - a chilling dismissal of the facts at hand which echoes Renault's recent refusal to admit anything amiss after one of its Vel Satis kidnapped a petrified Frenchman and attempted to terminate him during an hour-long, 125mph terror ordeal.

From The Register



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